When we blame ourselves, other people, places or things, we can be absolutely certain of one thing: we are not happy with reality as it occurs. And the same is true for others, when they blame us. This is undeniably insane, since reality, the now, has already occurred and we cannot change the past. Blaming is very common in relationships with people suffering from unhealthy habits. We blame them for ruining birthday parties, for not being able to attend social functions, for not doing what we expect them to do. The list is basically endless. And in turn, they may blame their accusers for being responsible for them acting out their unhealthy habits.
Blame fuels negative thinking. In putting our focus on everything but ourselves, we divert our attention away from ourselves, and yet, it is in ourselves that the solution for feeling happy and peaceful lies.
So what does it take for us to accept reality and not be angry and frustrated about it?
The first question we can ask ourselves is this: “does blaming someone or something else take away the root cause of our anger, fear or frustration?”
Let’s take for example the case of an alcoholic laying drunk on the couch at home, ignoring his or her chores, while we were working hard all day to make a living. Or the child spilling a drink and ruining our new mobile phone.
The honest answer is no, of course not.
In truth we blame to justify our fear, anger or frustration. Or we use it decline or to deny our own part, our own responsibilities.
Yet it does not make our alcoholic partner sober and it does not fix our broken cellphone.
In AA , Al-anon, and other twelve step programs the first step goes as follows: “we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable”. I have found that there is a reason for this being the first step.
As soon as we accept that we are powerless we can stop blaming and judging. And as soon as we do this, we can start making the choices that our good for our peace of mind, our serenity.
We can choose in this newly found peace and serenity to accept or not accept certain behaviours of our partner. And in the case of the child and the wrecked cell phone, we can choose to have or not to have our phone on the table when drinks are served.
Acting on these choices and freed from negative emotional charge, will change our lives.